Sleep *yawn*

I have always loved sleep.  As long as I can remember.  So much so that even in my Bethany days I can remember being upset when those crazies were making a hubub in the hallways after ten pm.  Even in those days the times were few and far between when I would stay up until (gasp) midnight or so.  I just prefer my Zzz's, okay?
So when we decided to have a baby, I knew I would be in for a rude awakening.  And, yes, I was aware of this even before people started saying "get all the sleep you can now, because you won't get any after the baby".  Helpful people, helpful.  What I didn't know however, was how profoundly sleep would impact my life.
You see, at this point in the game, the last time I can remember getting more than two hours of sleep in a row was at least four months ago.  And I'm tired.  I'm tired and I'm uncomfortable because I've made the long journey from getting up and ssshing Gavin to rocking him and shoving a soother in and finally giving in and letting him into our bed in an effort for just a little more shut-eye.  Now, don't get me wrong - I really have no opinions or prejudices about any ways of parents sleep.  You let your kid cry it out?  You co-sleep?  Great.  Fine by me.  I wish any of these solutions would get my little boy to have a good night's rest.  Then maybe I could function.   But, unfortunately, I've just found that co-sleeping is not for me and that after hours of hearing Gavin cry (no, not leaving him totally alone for hours) I can't take it anymore.
Yesterday I made a grocery list.  At the top of the list: headaches.  I wrote "headaches" at the top of my grocery list and I have no idea what that means.  Today in an effort to live healthy, I fixed myself a delicious looking green smoothie, but I have no idea what it tasted like because it wound up here.

And also inside the mechanism of the blender because I forgot to tighten the blade in and then proceeded to knock my glass and the blender over on the counter.  Add this to the complete lack of decisiveness, crying over nothing and everyday clumsiness I have and I'm pretty sure I can find the culprit.  No sleep.
I miss my old self.  The one that only cried about once a month (mysteriously about every 28 days) and was fairly easy going and happy go lucky.  Where is that girl?  I think she's in my dreams somewhere.
So I'm about thisclose to hiring a sleep consultant to finally teach Gavin how to sleep without a soother or his momma close by.
Someday I'm sure I will look back and these last few (and next few) months will all seem like a blur.  And I know I will miss rocking my little baby and all his babyness.   But for now, I'll be dreaming day dreaming of sleep.